


Cold Love

by GenerallyHuxurious (GallifreyanOmnishambles)



Series: Huxurious Huxloween [13]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ghost Hunters, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Armitage Hux Has Issues, Hux's Sexual History Reads Like A Guide To Mythical Creatures, Implied/Referenced Blow Jobs, Interspecies Relationship(s), Interspecies Sex, M/M, Pansexual Character, Paranormal Investigators, Past Relationship(s), Phasma Shouldn't Have Asked, Sexual Humor, Vampire Sex, Vampires, You Name It He's Done It, mermaid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-22 09:15:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8280620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanOmnishambles/pseuds/GenerallyHuxurious
Summary: Set in the Eldritch Effect universe. During movie night Phasma makes the mistake of asking how Hux copes with a partner who can do magic like Kylo and gets to hear all about his boyfriend back in university. She really shouldn't have asked.For Huxloween day 14.





	

Phasma yawned, stretching her legs up the wall. 

Across the room Hux raised an eyebrow where he was laid on the couch with his head resting on Kylo’s lap. The woman seemed physically incapable of sitting on any kind of chair like a normal person. He had to wonder why she bothered owning any at all. 

“Doesn’t watching the TV upside down give you a headache?”

She shrugged and twisted her neck to take a drink of her beer. 

“How you do that without choking I don’t know.”

“I dunno Hux, you always like tha…”

“Kylo,” Hux hissed, elbowing his husband in the ribs while his face flushed crimson. “My teeth are one turn of my head away from your testicles, think carefully before you finish that sentence.”

“Yes, Sir, General Deepthroat, Sir.”

Phasma flung a handful of popcorn of them. “Ew!! No! I don’t wanna know!”

With a twist of his fingers Kylo froze the snacks in the air and levitated them towards Donal’s mouth in a gesture of reconciliation. Hux patted his knee affectionately as he ate. 

“I’ll never get used to that.” Phasma said with a shake of her head.

Kylo looked surprised. “Really? With all the weird stuff that goes on in this town?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Well, I’ve known you for year. I mean, obviously I didn’t actually know you if I didn’t know you were a literal wizard, but we’d hung out a few times.” She waved her hands around her head as if to encompass the entire town. “On the other hand, these people were weird from the instant I arrived!”

That made Hux shake his head in disbelief. “You’re telling me you didn’t think this guy was weird?”

“First time I met Kylo I was just a Private and he was still a skinny little thing I could lift with one hand. The only words I’d have used to describe him then would have been ‘adorable’ and ‘ears’.”

“Heeeeey!” Kylo said, covering the prominent appendages with his hands. 

“I just never would have thought that that awkward kid would learn to control things with his mind, like why would that even be a consideration?”

“I didn’t learn, I just worked out how to control it.” Kylo said grumpily. 

“How long did it take you to get used to all the handwaving?” Phasma asked Hux.

He shrugged. “Once he told me about it, maybe half an hour.”

“Yeah but that was just positive reinforcement, I mean we were having s…”

“Kylo!” Hux hissed while Phasma threw more popcorn. 

“What? It must have made a difference!”

Hux shook his head. “Not really, I mean, you’re hardly the weirdest guy I’ve dated and you’re certainly not the weirdest… uh… being… I’ve slept with.”

“That’s true, I mean I do have arms _ and  _ legs, and not, you know, tentacles, or wings, or a tail, or…”

“Stop it!”

“Or an entire faery kingdom, or hooves, or a prehensile peni…”

Hux hauled himself up off the couch cushions and slammed a hand over his husband’s mouth. “Shut up.”

Kylo blinked innocently at him. 

“Are you going to stop?”

He nodded. Hux removed his hand.

“An’ I don’t lay eggs, or have a cloaca…” 

Hux put his hand back. “Phasma, have you got any duct tape?”

Kylo whimpered. 

* * *

Ten minutes and a round of apology beers later they were clicking around Netflix for something else to watch.  


“So,” Phasma began, “and understand that I really don’t want to hear about the bedroom stuff, but is all that true? Like have you ever even dated a human? Is Kylo human?”

“ **HEY!** ” 

“It seemed like a relevant question!”

Hux snorted. “Technically, as far as I can tell from three years of intensive research, yeah, he’s a human. Not that I have that much experience. I mean I thought my boyfriend at university was human but it turned out he wasn’t and that was kinda strange to deal with, just because of how he came out.”

“Why, what did he do?” Kylo asked, frowning slightly at not having heard this story before. “Transform mid coitus or something?”

“Eww!” Phasma groaned, her hands over her face.

“Phasma did say that she didn’t want to know.”

“You can’t just not tell us!”

“He fucking can if it involves tentacles!”

Hux shook his head with a sigh. “It doesn’t involve tentacles or sexual transformations or anything like that, but I did realise that he wasn’t human while we were in bed.”

“Come on Phasma, let him tell us, you can always put your hands over your ears if it’s too gross.”

“It’s not that gross, it’s pretty much normal guy stuff. It’s just weird.”

“Fine! But if it turns out to be nightmare fuel you owe me a bottle of vodka!”

“Deal but only if Kylo owes you since he’s the one that wants to hear it.”

“Hey!” Kylo objected just as Phasma said, “Deal!”

“Okay so this guy, Tristan, 5’11, biology student, really nice, sweet, funny, great kisser  _ and  _ he’s really into doing stuff for me, but, anytime I try to touch below the belt it’s a no go. Which is a big issue because, I know people have preferences, but I like to reciprocate.”

“His nickname has a basis in reality.” Kylo added informatively.

Phasma made a melodramatic noise of disgust.

“Shut up. Anyway, he also had this thing about never finishing a blowjob with his mouth and all this other stuff, and I’m getting really self conscious, you know, like- is it me? Is he actually even gay? Is he a virgin and he’s too shy to admit it?

“So I have to sit him down and have this really awkward ‘I really like you but I don’t think we’re sexually compatible’ conversation, which was  _ so _ uncomfortable to be having at nineteen. Then  _ he _ starts crying. And I just want to ground to open up under my feet. But then he tearfully admits that he needs a penis pump and a cock ring to have sex. Like complete erectile disfunction. Which was the last thing I would have thought of, because you know, he’s nineteen, but it certainly not a deal breaker for me. Totally normal human problem.”

Hux shrugged slightly. “I mean, I’ve slept with beings that aren’t even technically compatible with humans so it’s not like I have any issue with adaptations. You know, like I’m happy to work the necessary kit into the bedroom process or he can sort himself out in the bathroom if he’s shy, whatever works for him. 

“So, now he’s enthusiastic, but admits that the reason for his oral issue is that likes to bite and he finds it too tempting. Again, doesn’t bother me, I’ll try anything once. Half an hour later we’ve gotten over exciting, skipped most of the foreplay and we just gone straight to the sex and…”

He paused, taking a drink from his beer, while the others stared at him in reluctantly fascinated horror. 

“I regret ever asking the question,” Phasma said, “but you can’t just stop there.”

Donal grinned. 

“Huuuuux!”

“He slides it in and it’s like a block of ice. I don’t just mean like glass sex toy cold, I mean it felt like there was a literal icicle. And, weirdly, despite dating this guy for an entire month,  _ this _ was the moment when I noticed he didn’t actually have a heartbeat. Or breathe, except when he was talking.”

_ “What? _ ”

“Fucking vampire.” Hux said with a shrug.

Kylo snorted. “Fucking  _ a  _ vampire.”

“Did you not notice the whole ‘not going out in daylight, lack of reflection’ thing?” Phasma asked.

“Nope, cos that’s not actually true. I mean he was a bit lethargic during the day but how would you even notice that at university? And this was during the Autumn term so I didn’t notice the extra bad sunburn, though since I’m ginger I doubt that would have rung any alarm bells.”

“So how did you get away from him?”

Hux looked at her quizzically.

“Well you said you were having sex when you realised so did you just make your excuses or stake him or what?”

His eyes darted around the room for a moment as if he could gain understanding from the curtains or the bookshelves.

Phasma sighed. “How. Did. You. Escape. The. Vampire?”

“I didn’t. He was really good in bed, we dated until mid-December.” Hux said matter of factly.  “We just decided we wouldn’t do oral since I wasn’t interested in immortality or aenemia.” 

He looked slightly sad for a moment. 

“Then he found this cute exchange student who was willing to be bitten and you know, it wasn’t fair for me to ask him give up the chance to drink something other than livestock blood for the first time in nineteen years.” 

“Aww, well, that’s sweet in a really fucked up way I guess.” Phasma said after a moment.

“Meh. It didn’t take me long to get over him - I met a really hot Nixe during the Christmas break when my stepmother insisted we all go skiing at Oberstdorf. I was too busy trying to work out if I was actually pansexual to miss him much.”

“What’s a Nixe?”

“German river mermaid,” Kylo supplied helpfully, “the kind with a tail instead of legs…” He grinned before continuing in a stage whisper, “ _ and a cloac _ … MMMPPHHHHH!!!”

Hux primly put the tape roll down on the arm of the couch and picked up the remote. “Ooh, look Tucker & Dale Vs Evil, let’s watch that and not talk about my sex life any more.”

“Yes, lets.” Phasma agreed emphatically.

Kylo glared at them both while he sulkily tried to peel the washi tape away from his mouth. At least Hux had used the low stick kind. 

**Author's Note:**

> (Just in case you haven't heard of it washi tape is decorative tape made from rice paper and wouldn't effectively tape anyone's mouth shut. Donal wouldn't actually tape Kylo's mouth shut, unless it was a special request.)


End file.
